Song - You Break, You Buy - In progress

A new song I wrote the other day on the cusp of what would have been my 8th Wedding Anniversary.  I joked on Twitter afterwards that instead I should look at it as two and a half years sober, lol.  I'm still working on it, and I haven't put it to music or anything yet, but just felt the need to get it out there.

(1st Verse)
When I gave you my heart
I knew it was yours
I don't want it back

You broke it,
You bought it
And I'm fine with that

And as the wound heals
In that empty chest cavity where my heart used to be
I know that I'll be fine with my misery

(Chorus)
You break, you buy
You screw, I cry
But in the end
When all is said and done
I'm over you

(2nd Verse)
When I said "I do"
I could hardly believe
The six years of lies that you told me

And the hole
It hurts
But it doesn't compare to the chains that held me in captivity

(Chorus)
You break, you buy
You screw, I cry
But in the end
I'm over you
No refunds
No exchanges
All sales are final
And in the end
When all is said and done
I'm over you

So keep the heart
Because I'd rather be
Completely free of my misery

A Matter of Pride

Pride.  It's meaning (from dictionary.com) is:

"a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.".

But let's take a closer look at the definition... especially the word inordinate.  It means:

"not within proper or reasonable limits; immoderate; excessive: unrestrained in conduct, feelings, etc.: disorderly; uncontrolled".

So basically, to be prideful about something is not really a proper and good thing.  It means your ego is getting too big for your britches (those are pants for you younguns) to handle.  And God warned us of this:

Proverbs 29:23 NKJV
A man’s pride will bring him low, 
But the humble in spirit will retain honor.

Galatians 6:3 NKJV
For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

Proverbs 26:12 NKJV
Do you see a man wise in his own eyes?
There is more hope for a fool than for him.

 James 4:6 NKJV
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:

“God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble.

Philippians 2:3 NKJV

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.

1 Timothy 6:4 NKJV

he is proud, knowing nothing, but is obsessed with disputes and arguments over words, from which come envy, strife, reviling, evil suspicions,

2 Corinthians 10:12 ESV

Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.

Romans 12:16 ESV

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.

So as Christians, we definitely shouldn't be going around saying we're proud about whatever accomplishment or opinion we have.  There is only one thing to be proud of, and that is that we have a God that loves us, even when we are prideful, arrogant, selfish, and foolish.

I am not proud to be an American, because I see how we treat those that aren't.  I am not proud to be straight, because what's the point in being proud of a sexual orientation?  All it does is show contentment to those that aren't the same.  I'm not proud to be white, because look at the atrocities that the 'white person' has committed over the centuries.  I'm not prideful in my photography... I may take some great photos and be happy about that, but I know my talent comes from God, and I'm just here to take photos of His beauty.  I'm not prideful in my music... I may create new songs and can mimic others, but I know that if it wasn't for God working through me, I would never be able to play.  I also know he can take it away at any point.  So I am always thankful and humble for having the ability to do the things that make me happy.  And I definitely am not proud to be human.  I look at the birds in the sky or the animals on the ground and long to be one of them, because to be human apparently means to hate.  And I'm tired of hating.

Pride breeds arrogance and bigotry.  If you want to lie to yourself and use the excuse "I just want to show everyone I'm just happy for who I am"... read those verses up above again.  We are to be servants and love one another.  What about announcing your pride and prejudice to those that aren't of your opinion, is loving?

The Benefits of Smoking

Back in 2000 I injured my back on the job.  I went through hell and back, and a lawsuit, trying to get a doctor that would work with me.  I tried everything to alleviate the pain in my back, including what would be considered torture.  I had a doctor do a procedure on me with a needle that was filled with essentially sugar water and a few other things, and he basically bounced it off the bones in my back.  It was the most painful thing I've ever gone through, all in the hopes that it would get better.  It barely affected it.  So in my mad research to try ANYTHING, I came across a website that said cheroots, or cigars, help alleviate back pain.  I was at my wit's end here.  If this didn't work, I wanted to die.  It's bad enough that I dealt with my everyday fibromyalgia pain, but anything on top of that makes me long for death.

So I tried finding cheroots, to no avail.  So I found some cigars.  They're not as bad as cigarettes, which I'd never smoke... nasty things.  But cigars actually weren't that bad.  So I'd say I've been smoking cigars off and on now for about 10 years.

Recently though I've been wanting to quit, because I have a pool now and want to be able to do laps consistently without gasping for breath, lol.  So I did.  I don't have any withdrawal symptoms, because honestly I never smoked enough to create them, and I only inhaled about half the time.  I mean, maybe 1-3 little mini cigars a day.

I guess I didn't realize just how much they were helping me until this morning.  I woke up in some pain that I've been having since the move, but as I'm pouring my orange juice, that back pain, that oh so familiar back pain that I had forgotten about and hadn't had in a good while... is back.

I'll be honest.  I would rather die, than go through that pain again.  So my dilemma... continue smoking, or be in so much pain I want to die?  I will not go through that again, I can guarantee you that.  So... it looks like I'm going to the store and buying more cigars.  I hoped I'd never feel this pain again. :(

So next time you scoff at a cigar smoker and think that their habit is disgusting (although honestly not as disgusting as cigarettes)... yes it is, and they know that.  But sometimes life brings some massive amounts of pain to some people, and that is their only way to deal with it.  Count yourself lucky that you don't need that.